10 Things You Ought to Know About H. Granger Revealed by Rita Skeeter

If you think you know enough of H. Granger to be called her "intimate friend," well, I am sorry to disappoint you. It so happens I know more about her than you do,  'though she said to a Quibbler correspondent she'd rather French kiss You-Know-Who than make friends with me.

To those who labour under the delusion that they know H. Granger from top to toe, here is what I have to say: read this article first, then ask yourself this question: " Do I really know H. Granger?"

A VERY reliable source from the Department of Mysteries recently indulged me during one of my rare trips to the Hog's Head. After six shots of firewhiskey, he divulged 10 well-kept details about H. Granger, which most of her friends, even the closest ones, do not know. Naturally, I got overly excited about it, as well as my quick quotes quill. So, without much ado, here they are...

1. Back in college, H. Granger enjoyed playing the part of a ghost writer for those pathetic blokes who do not know how to court a girl. She wrote killer love letters which yielded favorable results, and this included a letter for a girl who was courted by the boy she loved. How so tragic!

2. H. is a hard-core X-Files and Alias fanatic. She'd rather sit on the couch watching X-Files and Alias marathon than make out with her current boyfriend.

3. H. has a very "unnatural" attraction to puppy breath. She thinks puppy breath smells like mocha.

4. H. sleeps better without her panties on.

5. H. coudn't do Number Two without a book to read.

6. H. has papered her bedroom wall with movie posters, which include Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Mulan, A Christmas Carol, to name a few.

7. H. baby talks her dogs and calls them by several pet names.

8. H. loves the opera and dreams of becoming an opera sensation after her retirement. Among her favourite opera pieces are "O Mio Babbino Caro" from Puccini's Gianni Schicci and Nessun Dorma from Turandot.

9. H. was a certified geek back in high school, having only two friends (as geeky as she was), and reading only Biology and World History books during her spare time.

10. H. has written out her last Will and Testament at age 30 and stipulated in it that she wants to be cremated within 24 hours of her demise. The document is currently in the possession of a former student who is now in the United States.

So, there. I hope these hard-to-find facts will not change the way you look at the "enigmatic" H. Granger. After all, she is just a girl.